The Guide to Getting It On by Paul Joannides is a comprehensive, humorous, and non-judgmental sex education book covering everything adults need to know about sexuality. It explains male and female anatomy in plain language, discusses what actually makes sex pleasurable, covers activities from kissing to intercourse, and addresses sexual health, relationships, and communication. Written for people of all ages and orientations, its core message is simple: great sex starts not in the body, but in honest connection between two people.
The Guide to Getting It On is, quite simply, the most comprehensive, honest, and human book ever written about sex. At over 1,100 pages and 90 chapters, it has been praised by Rolling Stone, Oprah Magazine, Cosmopolitan, and Playboy, used in more than 50 college sex-education courses, and translated into over a dozen languages. The author, Paul Joannides, is a psychologist who spent decades collecting real testimonials from thousands of people — men and women of all ages, orientations, and backgrounds, and weaving them into a book that reads less like a textbook and more like a wise, funny, caring older friend sitting down with you to talk honestly about everything nobody ever told you.
The book is for everyone, teenagers and adults, virgins and experienced lovers, straight and gay, single and married. It assumes nothing and judges nothing. Its only enemies, as the author puts it, are ignorance and shame.
The book’s guiding philosophy, what the author calls the “Goofy Foot Philosophy of Sex”, can be summed up in one line:
“It doesn’t matter what you’ve got in your pants if there is nothing in your brain to connect it to.”
Everything else in the book builds on that idea.
The book opens by challenging one of the most common assumptions about sex: that intercourse is the “ultimate” act, the real thing. Joannides asks, if that’s true, why can holding hands or a long kiss sometimes feel more meaningful than sex? Why can a brief glance from an attractive stranger feel more exciting than sex with a long-term partner? Why does the same sex act feel erotic in one context and completely neutral in another?
His answer: because sex is not primarily a physical event. It is shaped by who you’re with, how you feel about them, what’s happening in your life, and what’s happening in your mind. Context is everything. A person touching your genitals during a medical exam creates no arousal; the same touch on a romantic evening is intensely sexual. The brain, not the body, is the primary sex organ, and this idea threads through every chapter of the book.
One of the earliest and most important chapters is entirely about romance. Joannides defines romance not as flowers and expensive dinners, but as thoughtfulness, the daily practice of making someone feel valued and seen. He is blunt: romance does not need to cost money. Leaving a note on the refrigerator, helping your partner with a stressful task, or taking something off their plate without being asked, these are the things that actually bond people.
He also addresses something few relationship books tackle honestly: how romance changes over time. Early in a relationship, even small gestures feel electric because the brain is processing the new partner through circuits associated with excitement, obsession, and desire. After about six to twelve months, the brain gradually shifts to processing long-term partners through a different, more settled mode. This is not a flaw; it’s biology. But it does mean that to keep desire alive, couples need to actively introduce novelty, new experiences, new places, new ways of being together, to keep lobbing the relationship back into the exciting part of the brain.
He is also clear that in long-term relationships, romance without reliability is meaningless. Sending flowers won’t help if you didn’t do your share of the housework. Trust and dependability have to be the foundation; romance is what keeps the foundation from feeling boring.
If the book has one overwhelming message, it is this: talk to your partner. The author calls it “the orgasm talk” in one chapter, an honest conversation not just about “did you come?” but about what actually feels good, what doesn’t, what you want, what you’re curious about, and what you’d rather skip. He points out that most people navigate their entire sex lives without ever having this conversation clearly and openly, and that this silence is responsible for enormous amounts of unnecessary frustration, faking, and disappointment.
Throughout the book, Joannides models this by including thousands of direct quotes from real readers, people of all ages sharing exactly what they experience, what they like, and what confuses them. These quotes are among the most valuable parts of the book, because they break the illusion that everyone else has it figured out.
One of the most important contributions this book makes is its thorough, clear explanation of female anatomy, not just names and locations, but how each part works and why it matters for pleasure.
The Vulva vs. the Vagina: The book opens this section with a crucial correction: most people refer to everything between a woman’s legs as her “vagina,” but the vagina is only the internal canal. What you can see from the outside is the vulva, which includes the mons pubis, the outer lips (labia majora), the inner lips (labia minora), the clitoris, and the vaginal opening. The author compares mislabeling all of this as “vagina” to teaching a child that everything on their face is just a “tongue.”
The Clitoris, Much Bigger Than You Think: Most people think the clitoris is just the small visible nub at the top of the vulva. The book explains that this is only the tip, the glans, of a much larger internal structure. The full clitoris includes a shaft, two internal “legs” (crura) that extend several inches under the labia on both sides, and two clitoral bulbs that swell with blood when a woman is aroused, just like the internal chambers of a penis. When a woman is aroused, her entire vulva, the clitoris, its internal structures, and the inner lips, all engorge with blood simultaneously. Understanding this is essential to understanding how women experience pleasure.
The book also makes clear that as a woman approaches orgasm, the tip of the clitoris may seem to “disappear” or retract. This is normal, caused by muscle contractions. The advice: if whatever you were doing was working, don’t change anything.
The Inner Lips: The labia minora vary enormously from woman to woman, in size, shape, color, and symmetry, and this is completely normal. Pornography’s preference for very small, neat inner lips has caused many women to worry unnecessarily that their anatomy is abnormal. It isn’t. The inner lips are packed with nerve endings, become engorged and deepen in color when a woman is aroused, and can be a significant source of pleasure when touched and caressed.
The Vagina: The walls of the vagina lie flat against each other when a woman is not aroused, like a deflated balloon. When aroused, they swell and separate. The first third of the vagina is sensitive to touch; the back two-thirds are more sensitive to pressure and fullness. As arousal deepens, the back of the vagina “tents” open and the cervix rises, this is why deep penetration that might be uncomfortable in a non-aroused state can feel good when a woman is very turned on.
Most Women Do Not Orgasm from Intercourse Alone. This is stated clearly and repeatedly. The clitoris is rarely positioned to receive direct stimulation from a thrusting penis. Most women require direct clitoral stimulation, by hand, mouth, or vibrator, either before intercourse, during it, or instead of it. Many women stimulate their own clitoris during intercourse. This is not unusual; it is simply how most female bodies work. The book urges both men and women to internalize this rather than treating it as a problem to be fixed.
The book devotes equal care to male anatomy, covering not just the penis but the testicles, the prostate, and the seminal vesicles, glands that contribute the bulk of what makes up semen (the testicles themselves contribute only 2–4% of ejaculate volume, despite their iconic status).
Penis Size: Studies consistently show that the average erect penis measures around 5 inches in length. Most men fall within a completely normal range. The book gently dismantles the anxiety many men carry about size, pointing out that most of what matters to female partners, clitoral stimulation, communication, emotional connection, manual and oral skill, has nothing to do with penis length. Men who obsess over penis size, the book suggests, are often taking their penises too seriously at the expense of everything else that makes someone a good lover.
The Prostate: Located about two inches inside the rectum and approximately the size of a walnut in adult men, the prostate produces about 30% of the fluid in semen. It can also be a source of sexual pleasure when stimulated, some men experience intense orgasms from prostate massage, often in combination with penis stimulation. The book covers prostate health thoroughly: prostatitis (inflammation, more common in younger men), BPH (benign enlargement, common in older men), and prostate cancer, including guidance on PSA testing and what questions to ask a doctor.
The book treats masturbation as healthy, normal, and important. How you feel about your own body and what feels good to you is the foundation of how you communicate your needs to a partner. People who understand their own arousal and orgasm tend to have better sex with partners, not worse. The book normalizes masturbation for all genders without embarrassment.
Joannides dedicates entire chapters to kissing and body massage, making the point that these are not merely preludes to “real sex”, they are, for many people, among the most intimate and pleasurable sexual experiences. His research found one universal truth across all sexual orientations, kinks, and relationship styles: nothing beats a good back rub. Every person surveyed, regardless of their other preferences, loved massage. The book covers technique: feather-light touch with fingertips that produces tingles and goosebumps, versus deep firm kneading of muscles that releases tension and stress. Both are important, and partners often prefer different things at different times, which is why talking matters.
The book covers giving hand pleasure to both men and women in practical, honest detail. The key principles: use lubrication, start lighter than you think necessary, pay attention to feedback, and be willing to adjust. Grip, pressure, speed, and rhythm all matter, and what one person loves, another may find irritating. The solution, always, is communication.
Oral sex is covered thoroughly, giving and receiving, for both men and women. The book’s main messages: oral sex should feel good for both people, and it’s far more about paying attention and responding than following a technique checklist. It also addresses common anxieties (taste, smell, gagging, boundaries) matter-of-factly and without judgment.
For women receiving oral sex, the book emphasizes patience and focus on the clitoris, understanding that it may retract as orgasm approaches, and that consistency matters more than variety at that point. For men receiving oral sex, it notes that many men do not always orgasm from oral sex, and this is normal and not a reflection of the partner’s skill.
The book covers intercourse practically, various positions, angles, and what each one does and doesn’t offer. The missionary position is not inherently boring; the angle of entry, depth, and the addition of clitoral stimulation determine how good it feels far more than the position itself. Woman-on-top positions give women more control over stimulation and angle, and many women find them easier for orgasm. The book encourages couples to experiment and communicate rather than defaulting to habit.
It also addresses the common experience of intercourse feeling mechanical or routine in long-term relationships, and how to reintroduce novelty and presence.
This is covered in a full chapter with honesty and thoroughness. The key message: the rectum was not designed for sexual activity the way the vagina was, it does not self-lubricate and its muscles are designed to keep things in, not welcome things in. Therefore, anal sex requires three non-negotiable elements: relaxation, communication, and generous lubrication. Without all three, it will be uncomfortable or painful, and pain means something is wrong.
Many women report that anal sex, done correctly with a trusted and patient partner and combined with clitoral stimulation, can feel intensely pleasurable. Many men enjoy anal stimulation or prostate massage. The book is clear that enjoyment of anal play is not tied to sexual orientation; straight men have rectums that are every bit as sensitive as gay men’s. Safety is emphasized, always use a condom for anal intercourse, never bring anything from the anus to the vagina, and use toys with flared bases so nothing gets lost.
The book treats vibrators as a completely normal tool, particularly useful for women who find clitoral stimulation easier to achieve with consistent vibration than with fingers alone. Vibrators during intercourse are discussed as a natural enhancement, not a sign that something is lacking.
Covered honestly, including the emotional complexity that often gets left out of fantasies. The book notes that threesomes tend to work better when the primary couple already has a strong, satisfying sexual relationship. Jealousy, mismatched expectations, and hurt feelings are real risks that require mature communication before, during, and after.
Covered in the “Kinky Corner” chapter with curiosity and non-judgment, while being clear that the book’s default setting is vanilla. The main point: any kink between consenting adults who have communicated clearly is valid. The emphasis on consent and communication applies here just as much as anywhere else, more so, given the power dynamics involved.
Explained clearly, practically, and without the fear-mongering that characterizes most sex education. Transmission routes, symptoms, prevention, and treatment are covered for the most common infections. The main message: knowledge protects you; ignorance doesn’t.
A full chapter covering the main options, condoms, the pill, IUDs, implants, and others, with honest discussion of effectiveness and practical use. A separate chapter addresses how hormonal birth control can sometimes lower libido in some women (by reducing testosterone levels), which is something many women are never told when they start taking it.
Addressed without shame. Erection difficulties are extremely common, especially with age, stress, alcohol, or with a new partner when anxiety is high. The book explains the physiology, reassures men that occasional difficulties are normal, and advises when to see a doctor (when difficulties are consistent and ongoing). It explicitly pushes back against the cultural myth that a man’s worth as a lover is defined by his erection.
Sex during pregnancy (generally safe and often wonderful), period sex (completely fine for couples who are comfortable with it), sex after having children (requires deliberate effort and good communication), and sex during menopause (changes, but doesn’t end) are all covered with practical, empathetic guidance.
The book includes chapters on sex and breast cancer, prostate cancer, testicular cancer, diabetes, physical disability, and hysterectomy. The message throughout: sexuality does not end with a diagnosis. It may need to adapt, but intimacy and pleasure remain possible and important throughout life.
A full chapter addresses the real challenges of sustaining desire and intimacy over years or decades. The book is honest: long-term relationships require more effort at romance, not less. The novelty that made early sex exciting has to be consciously recreated. Reliability and trustworthiness are the foundation, but couples also need to protect against becoming so routine that desire evaporates entirely. The book also covers fighting constructively, sex after a fight, sex after having children, and divorce, all with the same practical, compassionate voice.
The book includes thorough chapters on same-sex relationships, sexual fluidity (“orientation in flux”), transgender identities, intersex conditions, and what masculinity and femininity actually mean versus what culture tells us they mean. The consistent message: human sexuality and identity are far more varied and fluid than binary categories suggest, and all of it is valid.
A thoughtful discussion of how the internet, webcams, and sexting have transformed relationships with bodies and sexuality, particularly noting that pornography has become the de facto sex education for most teenagers, and that what it shows is almost entirely divorced from how real bodies look and how real sex works. The book is not moralistic about pornography, but it is clear about the gap between what porn presents and reality.
One of the most serious chapters in the book, approached with great care. The book acknowledges that many readers have experienced sexual trauma, and that healing and the path back to healthy, pleasurable sexuality is possible, but takes time, patience, and often professional support.
A practical guide for parents on age-appropriate sex education, making the case that honest, clear information about bodies and sexuality — delivered without shame, protects children far more than silence does.
Most books about sex fall into one of two categories: cold and clinical (anatomy diagrams, disease lists, technique checklists), or performance-focused (how to do X to achieve Y orgasm). The Guide to Getting It On refuses both. It is technically thorough without ever feeling like a textbook. It is frank about bodies without being crude. It is funny, genuinely funny, without ever mocking the reader or making anyone feel embarrassed for not knowing something.
Most importantly, it treats sex as what it actually is: a deeply human experience that involves bodies, emotions, relationships, communication, identity, and psychology all at once. No technique matters if the emotional connection isn’t there. No body part determines whether you will be a good lover. The willingness to be honest, curious, and attentive to another person, that is what determines almost everything.
The final chapter closes exactly the way the book began: with the reminder that the best sex happens when two people bring their whole selves to it, not just their bodies, but their minds, their honesty, and their genuine care for each other.
