The Courage to Be Disliked challenges the belief that past trauma determines your future. Based on Alfred Adlerâs psychology, this book teaches that happiness comes from taking full responsibility for your life, letting go of approval-seeking, and embracing authentic livingâeven if it means being disliked. Through deep yet accessible dialogue, it offers a radical path to freedom, self-respect, and meaningful connection.
The Courage to Be Disliked is a transformative book that explores the teachings of Alfred Adler , an Austrian psychotherapist and founder of Individual Psychology. Written in the form of a Socratic dialogue between a philosopher and a young man, this book challenges many commonly held beliefs about happiness, success, trauma, and relationships.
At its core, the book presents a radical but empowering idea:
You are the sole author of your lifeâand you have the courage to change it at any moment.
Kishimi and Koga distill Adlerâs philosophy into accessible, everyday language, showing how we can break free from the chains of past trauma, the need for approval, and the illusion of fate to create our own happiness.
One of the most provocative ideas in the book is that no one elseânot even your parentsâcan make you feel inferior or unhappy unless you give them permission .
Adlerian psychology asserts that:
This flies in the face of traditional Freudian psychology, which often focuses on how early childhood experiences shape adult behavior.
Key Insight: You are not âfatedâ to sufferâyou choose your path, even unconsciously.
A major theme in the book is rejecting the belief that your past defines you . Many people believe they behave a certain way because of what happened to themâabandonment, abuse, neglect, or failure.
But Adler argues that these are just excuses we use to justify staying stuck. According to him, we choose our behaviors and emotions based on goals we want to achieve , not because of what happened to us
Important Lesson: Itâs not what happens to youâitâs how you interpret and act on it.
This is both liberating and terrifying. It means youâre responsible for your lifeâbut also capable of changing it.
One of the hardest truths the young man confronts in the book is that:
âThe biggest lie people tell themselves is that they want to be free. What they really want is to be liked.â
We spend so much time worrying about what others thinkâtrying to please everyone, avoiding conflict, seeking validationâthat we lose ourselves.
Adlerian psychology encourages readers to live authentically , even if it means being disliked.
Key Insight: If you seek universal approval, you will never be free.
True freedom comes when you stop depending on othersâ opinions and start living according to your values.
The book states that nearly all psychological distress comes from interpersonal conflicts âwhat others expect of us, how we compare ourselves to others, and the desire to be loved or accepted.
Adler believed that all problems are relational, and so are their solutions.
He introduced the concept of “separation of tasks” , which means:
Learning to distinguish between the two helps reduce anxiety and emotional dependency.
Important Lesson: Worry only about what is yours ânot what belongs to someone else.
Another powerful idea in the book is that life is not a competition . Most people measure their worth through comparisonâhow much money they earn, how successful their career is, how attractive they are compared to others.
But Adlerian psychology teaches that everyone is equal , not in ability or achievement, but in value. When you stop competing and start cooperating, life becomes less stressful and more fulfilling.
Key Insight: When you see life as a journey rather than a race, happiness becomes possible.
Fear holds many people backâfrom pursuing dreams, building relationships, or simply speaking up. But the book suggests that fear arises when we focus too much on outcomes and not enough on action.
To overcome fear:
Important Lesson: Courage isnât the absence of fearâitâs acting despite fear.
While the book is philosophical, its lessons are deeply practical. Here’s how to apply Adlerâs principles in daily life:
Ask yourself: Am I choosing this behavior because it serves meâor because Iâm clinging to old pain?
Speak your truth, set boundaries, and stop apologizing for who you are.
Focus only on whatâs within your controlâyour actions, thoughts, and effort.
Treat people with respect, without comparing or competing.
Contribution and connection are essential to happinessânot status or perfection.
The Courage to Be Disliked is not an easy readâit challenges deeply ingrained beliefs and asks you to rethink everything you know about motivation, trauma, and happiness.
But thatâs exactly why itâs so powerful.
It teaches that real freedom comes from:
As the philosopher says in the book:
“People donât lack ability. They lack the courage to change themselves.”